People we know have heard some absolutely monstrous things from recruiters and employers during their job hunts. When you hear one of these outrageous/insulting/mind-blowing remarks, you want to reach through the phone and strangle someone. But since that isnt possible, heres what to say, instead:

HE: Im sorry, we liked your qualifications but we offered the position to a person who comes from the exact same kind of background.

YOU: Of course, thats excellent, and I can certainly understand your desire to minimize new thinking. Best of luck to you.

SHE: Your resume shows six of the protocols were looking for, but were holding out for eight.

YOU: Not a problem! Thanks for letting me know. Its not a good match in any case, because Im focusing on employers who value brains and creativity over skillsets that one can acquire in two days of training.

HE: Were not going to be able to budge on the salary. We thought you would join us for the same salary you made at your last job.

YOU: Well, thats lovely. I am certain youll find loads of excellent people who change jobs for other reasons - perhaps the paint colors on the walls.

SHE: We cant hire you because your background is too entrepreneurial. Were looking for true corporate types.

YOU: Well, of course! That mouth-clamped-shut, eyes-averted posture is so hard for people like me to master.

HE: Before we set up an interview, we wanted to check references, run a credit check, and get your college transcripts.

YOU: Thats innovative! Sort of an unobtrusive intelligence test, to judge a persons self-esteem. Is this the point where I say you must be kidding?

HE: No, Im serious.

YOU: Awesome - youre screening for the most self-worth-challenged segment of the job-seeking population. What a novel approach - I have some friends in halfway houses who might be great candidates for you.

SHE: We liked your resume, and so were sending you a password, to take our online integrity test before we schedule an interview.

YOU: Can I get my boyfriend to take it instead? If I start to tell the truth, God knows what might happen.